claim the reflection; this strength is my fist

swinging back and forth between female "beauty",
and female "masculinity"
I confess,
sometimes I like to be a boy,
and sometimes I like to be a girl.

your perception is like a cage,
proving I'm fucked either way,
dirty brown boy or exotic fuck-worthy young girl

I ponder

what it means
to fuck with gender in the city
to put on a tough act and engage with passing,
rape
consumes my mind.
I wonder
will the desire to have power over my body
be rooted in lust
or
in disgust
of my appearance.

stay in your box, doesn't sound too hard
but my mind is blind to any boundaries,
I can't see my place where you think its supposed to be
deeper than what we choose to wear
its about being who we are, living our own, owning our own life

swinging back and forth between female "beauty",
and female "masculinity"
I confess,
sometimes I like to be a boy,
and sometimes I like to be a girl.

I wish it was as easy as "the choice is mine"
but people persist to stare or turn away,
in contempt
their eyes fill with confusion
not only asking what are you
but
why
do you even exist?

this question if dared asked,
calls on nightmares of the past
that have shaped this identity

4 years.
its been 4 years since I've seen her,
4 long years b/c we've been in different worlds,
across the ocean,
across mind fields,
steppin on memories that make my heart stop and my eyes close
and make me question if any of it was even real,
the blood,
the tears,
the screaming.
the begging her to stop,
the lying to cover it up

we're best friends. we have fights.
all best friends do ... right?
14 years old, 15 years old, 2 years
physically trapped in closeted abusive dyke relationship,
6 years of mental imprisonment,
I wish
it was as easy as
"the choice is mine"
but people persist to stare or turn away,
in contempt
their eyes fill with confusion
not only asking what are you
but
why
do you even exist?
birthed from desperation's last breath
this strength is my fist
findin' gender queer pride
I refuse to hide anymore
I refuse to hide anymore
I claim the reflection in my lover's eyes
embrace it,
along with the fear.
                                this strength is my fist.

Comments

Nice poem.
http://www.china-kxi.com/search/0/KX-3050.html
hi julie....was thinking bout u today so looked around for u ....well this is awesome...well done!!!take care!!
A beautiful poem. Speaks so much for itself. Needs no words. I still love u Julie. Best friends forever.

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